You look fantastic look fantastic today today.
She laughs too loudly, pauses for a half-second and then continues.
It appears to be nothing. A compliment at the office coffee maker. But she can’t stop asking herself why they say that. Are they serious? What are their desires?
Individuals who have never heard their parents say I’m proud of you discover early on that they won’t receive praise.
Instead they produce something else.
Only in their own minds, a quiet private method of measurement.
From the outside they appear resilient and capable of taking care of themselves.
Their partners refer to them as rock solid their friends seek their counsel, and their coworkers have faith in them.
But they never seem to believe you no matter how many nice things you say to them.
Something odd and subtle is suggested by psychology if you don’t receive praise as a child, you struggle with more than just compliments.
You’re difficult to calm.
When you don’t hear good job you create your own scoreboard.
Consider a child bringing a photo home some parents clap, put it on the refrigerator, and enquire.
The child’s eyes brighten saying my work is important.
My work is visible to others.
Imagine now that a busy adult hardly looks up as the same child quietly places the drawing on the table.
Over time the message is received.
Not you’re awful which would be clear cut and simpler to say, but something more nuanced: your achievements are typical, expected, and unworthy of discussion.
The child doesn’t cry they alter.
They begin to search within themselves for indications that they are doing well.
They begin to record things that are only visible to them, such as the amount of time they spent studying, the number of errors they corrected, and the improvement since their last session.
They are the only ones who are aware of the rules on a sort of private scoreboard.
By the time they reach adulthood that internal scoreboard is complete.
Did you like what I did is not what they say.
Was this good enough they ask themselves usually that standard is quite challenging.
They might respond it was fine but I could have done better if you ask them how they feel about a success.
From the outside it appears to be humility they learned to speak about themselves only in this language.
In psychology this pattern is known as self referential evaluation.
You use your own standards your own effort and your own invisible benchmarks to determine your value rather than what other people think.
You seem to be the only one with this power and it is in many respects.
The advantages and disadvantages of being highly independent
Let’s begin with the positive news.
Individuals who were not praised as children tend to grow up to be very independent.
They can push themselves without the help of praise awards or performance evaluations.
Even though no one else will notice they are frequently the ones who stay late because they can’t abandon the task unfinished.
They attend classes pick up new skills and focus on details that others overlook.
They are accustomed to working without recognition managers adore them friends say they are reliable.
Partners can rely on them in an emergency because they don’t break down easily.
Their nervous system has been trained to proceed without external assistance.
This is sometimes referred to as defensive autonomy by psychologists.
When you don’t receive emotional support from others your mind defends itself by saying fine.
I’ll handle everything on my own.
It works well provides protection and is rewarded by society.
However there is a negative aspect that is rarely discussed.
Later in life praise can seem like a threat when you don’t need it to survive.
Like someone attempting to break into a home you’ve spent years building.
Being nice doesn’t include compliments they come across as pressure to continue performing well indefinitely.
Thus the brain silently rejects them.
Why do these people not retain compliments like rain on glass?
Consider your value as a house with a single tiny door and thick walls.
Adults who learned to do things on their own and were not praised as children typically put that door in themselves.
They only have faith in their own judgement their efforts and the outcomes.
You’re amazing is said with flowers as someone rings the doorbell.
Good incredibly perplexing as well the house wasn’t intended for that.
In other words the mind does what it has been instructed to do.
It verifies once more did I truly accomplish anything noteworthy.
The compliment is filtered examined for defects and then disposed of discreetly.
Compliments don’t work for another reason.
When I was younger they were never utilised as data points.
Praise and trustworthy information about me don’t share a neural pathway.
Praise appears to be more of an opinion than evidence.
Children who rarely received warm targeted praise often developed a conditional worth narrative.
They discover that their presence alone does not make them acceptable unless they accomplish something outstanding.
Therefore your mind automatically responds you don’t know me well enough to say that.
Because of this even when they are doing well people like this can be extremely critical of themselves.
Their inner critic is the only voice they pay attention to.
The others sound pleasant but a bit strange sometimes.
How to talk to someone who needs to feel good about themselves
The twist is that they actually hear you they simply don’t know how to react.
Therefore how you provide feedback is crucial if you care about someone like this.
First be specific excellent work simply disappears there is very little chance it will get through.
Their internal system is capable of handling authentic evidence.
You should reassure them based on what they already know.
Talk about how they showed up despite being exhausted how much they improved and how consistent they were.
Verify that your words correspond with the metrics they employ in the background.
Asking them about their feelings regarding praise is also beneficial.
Someone may remark I don’t know it just feels weird.
This weird feeling is frequently a combination of unease suspicion and fear.
They are defending the system that has served them well for years.
Softly name that.
Don’t push either in all honesty nobody actually does this on a daily basis.
Helping someone emotionally doesn’t require you to dress like a therapist.
You don’t have to believe me but I’m going to keep saying this.
Just consistent low risk assistance.
Their nervous system eventually learns from this consistency that praise is not a trap.
In the end it might even be consoling familiar and safe.
They need to feel safe hear the same thing repeatedly and be free to doubt you while you keep coming back.
Here are some strategies to assist someone in this situation without tearing down their barriers:
- Reward them specifically for their actions by outlining what they did.
- You persevered even when it was difficult verify the effort as well as the outcome.
- Respect their discomfort rather than pressuring them to take the compliment.
- Find out what kind of feedback truly gives them a sense of stability.
- Just be there for them rather than trying to fix things.
If this describes you you are truly independent and have the right to be sensitive.
As you read this you may notice patterns that you have never been able to describe.
When someone compliments your work you shrug the way you covertly redo things.
They’re just being nice says the suspicious sounding voice.
You’re not damaged your brain developed a mechanism that allowed you to continue.
That system is tough intelligent and devoted to you.
It’s not necessary to disassemble it immediately you don’t have to become dependent.
Consider it adding a few new windows rather than moving.
One small thing you could try is to refrain from verbally arguing.
Simply say thank you then consider the implications if ten percent were accurate.
This tiny aperture allows light to enter without overpowering your body.
Over time you won’t be able to rely solely on your internal scoreboard.
You are still able to maintain your independence while allowing others to care about you.
Getting used to compliments isn’t the real shift it’s about realising something deeper.
You can be genuinely relaxed and highly independent neither one nor the other.
Crucial information that is valuable to the reader
- Internal validation system created based on effort and personal standards in an environment where praise is scarce.
- Self sufficiency as a defence strong looking protective pattern that rejects comfort.
- New ways to say thank you and get praise specific feedback on behaviour.
FAQ:
Question 1: Why do I feel weird or even angry when someone says something nice about me?
You probably learned early on that praise was hard to come by not always true or only given for big accomplishments.
Question 2: Is it ever a good thing to have a strong internal validation system?
Yes it can help you be more disciplined focused and less reliant on what other people think.
Question 3How can I learn to accept compliments more easily?
Don’t say no to it right away say thank you and then check if any small part agrees.
Question 4: What should I not say to someone who has trouble accepting compliments?
Don’t say things like just take the compliment or you’re being silly.
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Question 5: Does therapy help with this kind of behaviour?
Yes most of the time a good therapist can help you figure out where your standards came from.
