You look great today.
She stops for half a second, laughs too loudly, and then moves on to something else.
It doesn’t seem like anything. A compliment at the coffee machine at work. But her mind is racing with questions: Why are they saying that? Are they kidding? What do they want?
People whose parents never told them “I’m proud of you” learn early on that praise isn’t coming.
So they make something else instead.
A quiet, private way to measure that only exists in their own head.
They seem strong and able to take care of themselves from the outside.
Their coworkers trust them, their friends ask for their advice, and their partners call them “rock solid.”
But no matter how many sweet things you say to them, they never seem to believe you.
Psychology suggests something strange and subtle: if you don’t get praise as a child, you don’t just have trouble with compliments.
It’s hard to calm you down.
You make your own scoreboard when you never hear “good job.”
Imagine a kid bringing home a picture.
Some parents put it on the fridge, clap, and ask questions. The child’s eyes light up: My work is important. People can see my work.
Now picture the same child quietly putting the drawing on the table while an adult who is busy barely looks up.
The message gets through over time.
Not “you’re terrible,” which would be obvious and easier to say, but something more subtle: your accomplishments are normal, expected, and not worth talking about.
The kid doesn’t break down. They change.
They start to look inside themselves for signs that they’re doing well.
They start to keep track of things that only they can see, like how long they studied, how many mistakes they fixed, and how much better they got since the last time.
There is a kind of private scoreboard with rules that only they know.
That internal scoreboard is fully built by the time they are adults.
They don’t say, “Did you like what I did?”
They ask themselves, “Was this good enough?” That standard is usually very hard.
You could ask them how they feel about a success, and they might say, “It was fine, but I could have done better.”
It looks like humility from the outside. It’s the only language they learned to use to talk about themselves.
This pattern is called self-referential evaluation in psychology.
You don’t measure your worth by what other people say; you use your own standards, your own effort, and your own invisible benchmarks.
It sounds like a power that only you have. And in a lot of ways, it is.
The good and bad sides of being very self-reliant
Let’s start with the good news.
People who didn’t get praise as kids often become very independent.
They don’t need applause, gold stars, or performance reviews to push themselves.
They are often the ones who stay late because they can’t leave the job half-finished, even if no one else will notice.
They take classes, learn new things, and pay attention to things that other people don’t notice.
They are used to working without getting praise.
They are loved by managers. Friends say they can be counted on.
They don’t fall apart easily, so partners can count on them in a crisis.
They’ve taught their nervous system to move forward without help from the outside.
Psychologists sometimes call this “defensive autonomy.”
Your mind says, “Fine,” to protect itself when you never got emotional support from the outside. “I’ll take care of everything myself.”
It protects, works well, and is rewarded by society.
But there is a bad side that people don’t talk about very often.
When you don’t need reassurance to stay alive, praise later in life can feel like a threat.
Like someone trying to break into a house you’ve worked hard to make strong for years.
Compliments don’t count as being nice.
They come across as noise that doesn’t fit the internal system, or as pressure to keep doing well forever.
So the brain quietly says no to them.
Why compliments don’t stick to these people like rain on glass
Think of your self-worth as a house with thick walls and only one small door.
Adults who grew up without praise and learned to do things on their own usually put that door in themselves.
They only trust what comes through it: work, results, and their own judgement.
Someone rings the doorbell and says, “You’re amazing” with flowers.
Nice. Also very confusing.
That wasn’t meant for the house.
That means the mind does what it has been taught to do.
It checks again: Did I really do something that special? Was it really that hard? Could anyone have done this?
The compliment is filtered, looked for flaws, and then quietly thrown away.
There is another reason why compliments don’t work.
They were never used as data points when I was a kid. There isn’t a neural pathway that connects praise to reliable information about me.
Praise seems more like an opinion than proof.
Studies on attachment and validation indicate that children who infrequently received warm, specific praise frequently developed a “conditional worth” narrative.
They learn that they are only okay when they do something great, not just because they are there.
So when someone says, “You’re great,” your mind automatically says, “You don’t know me well enough to say that.”
That’s why people like this can be very hard on themselves even when they are doing well.
They only listen to their inner critic.
Everyone else sounds nice, but a little off.
How to talk to someone who needs to feel good about themselves
Here’s the twist: they do hear you.
They just don’t know how to respond to what you’re saying.
So if you care about someone like this, how you give feedback is very important.
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Get specific first.
“Good job” just slides off. “You handled that client call calmly, especially when they got mad about the delay” has a very small chance of getting past the wall.
Their inner system knows how to deal with real proof.
Base your reassurance on things they already know.
Talk about how consistent they were, how much they improved, and how they showed up even when they were tired.
Make sure your words match the metrics they use behind the scenes.
Another thing that helps is to ask them how they feel about praise.
Not when you’re fighting or in a serious “we need to talk” voice. I’m just curious.
You might hear someone say, “I don’t know, it just feels… weird.”
That “weird” feeling is often a mix of being uncomfortable, suspicious, and afraid to let their guard down.
They aren’t turning down your kindness; they’re protecting the system that has worked for them for years.
Name that, softly.
And don’t push.
To be honest, no one really does this every day.
You don’t have to dress like a therapist to help someone emotionally.
Sometimes the best thing you can say is, “You don’t have to believe me, but I’m going to keep saying this: what you did mattered.”
No stress. Don’t make them accept your compliment right away.
Just steady, low-stakes support.
Over time, that consistency teaches their nervous system that praise isn’t a trap.
It’s music in the background.
Safe, familiar, and maybe even comforting in the end.
“They need to hear the same thing over and over, feel safe, and have the freedom to doubt you while you keep coming back.”
Here are some ways to help someone like this without breaking down their walls:
- Give them specific praise based on their behaviour: tell them exactly what they did.
- “Even when it was hard, you kept going.” Validate effort, not just the result.
- Don’t push them to “take the compliment”; instead, respect their discomfort.
- Ask them what kind of feedback really helps them feel stable.
- Instead of fixing things, just be there for them. Sometimes just sitting next to them is enough.
If this is you, you really are self-reliant, and you also have the right to be soft.
You might be reading this and seeing patterns that you’ve never been able to put into words.
The shrug when someone says something nice about your work. The way you secretly redo things that other people say are “perfect.”
The voice that sounds suspicious and says, “They’re just being nice.”
You are not broken.
Your brain made a system that kept you going even when there wasn’t much support around.
That system is smart, tough, and very loyal to you.
You don’t have to take it apart right away.
You don’t have to suddenly love compliments or start needing them from other people.
Instead of thinking of it as moving, think of it as adding a few new windows.
You could try one small thing: don’t argue with someone out loud when they compliment you.
Just say “thank you” and then think about what it would mean if 10% of what they said were true.
Not all of them. Only 10%.
This small hole lets in some light without overwhelming your system.
Your internal scoreboard can stay, but it won’t be the only thing you can trust over time.
You can still let other people care about you and stay independent.
The real change isn’t about getting used to compliments.
It’s about realising that you can be both very independent and truly at ease.
Not one or the other.
| Important point | Information | Value for the reader |
|---|---|---|
| System for internal validation | Created when praise is hard to come by, based on effort and personal standards | It helps you figure out why you don’t believe compliments even when they are honest. |
| Self-reliance as a shield | A protective pattern that looks strong but won’t accept comfort | Gives words to emotional habits that are hidden and their cost |
| New ways to say thank you and get praise | Specific feedback on behaviour and gentle ways to accept it | Provides useful tools to help you connect with yourself and others better |
Questions and Answers:
Question 1: Why do I feel weird or even angry when someone says something nice about me?
You probably learned early on that praise was hard to come by, not always true, or only given for big accomplishments. Your brain doesn’t see everyday compliments as “real data,” so they seem fake, pressured, or a little suspicious.
Question 2: Is it ever a good thing to have a strong internal validation system?
Yes. It can help you be more disciplined, focused, and less reliant on what other people think. The goal isn’t to lose it; it’s to find a balance between it and the ability to let trustworthy reassurance land every now and then.
Question 3How can I learn to accept compliments more easily?
Don’t say no to it right away. Say “thank you,” and then check to see if any small part of it agrees with what you think. You don’t have to completely believe it for it to count as a step.
Question 4: What should I not say to someone who has trouble accepting compliments?
Don’t say things like “Just take the compliment” or “You’re being silly.” That just makes things worse. Instead of trying to win an argument about their worth, stay curious, specific, and kind.
Question 5: Does therapy help with this kind of behaviour?
Yes, most of the time. A good therapist can help you figure out where your standards came from, make rules that are too strict less strict, and slowly build a version of validation that includes your own voice and the voices of people who really care.
